Now I must say, even with the amazing amount of hair, I love having laundry available at all times. Especially with a potty-training Brooke who thinks wearing pants = a diaper and feels the need to pee. Ah well. I brought it upon myself! But she is getting the hang of it :) We had two whole days without accidents! I feel so bad for her when she has an accident, she gets so embarrassed. Her voice gets all high pitched "Potty on the toilet! Potty on the toilet Mommy!" Followed by an enormous frown and the saddest face I have ever seen her make, which inevitably turns to sobs.
So I realized this afternoon that I only have 1 month left (he leaves March 2nd) with my husband until he is gone for 7 long months.... and to be honest I am completely freaking out. My eyes tear up even thinking about it. I am terrified that I am going to screw up my children in that time. Because there is no one there to help with decisions for them. I have to make every single decision involving them for 7 months. And I am incredibly indecisive. I have to go alone to the hospital with Jake for all of his respiratory appointments and try to figure everything out with the doctors by myself. What if I do something wrong health-wise with him and make his lungs worse?! I have to direct Brooke through her "terrible two's" while trying not to flip out at all times because she is coloring on the wall, sitting on her brother, melting down on the way home from work because she can't have paci on the 10 minute drive home, and refusing to eat her dinner. What if I respond wrong to all of the above situations and she doesn't continue to be the amazing, sweet, adorable child that she is 90% of the time now?!
And I have to plain old figure out how to live with the man I love being 1, 234 miles away from me at all times (yes, I looked it up). That is 20 hours of driving people! No goodnight kisses. No talking in bed for 45 minutes before we fall asleep. No one to hug me and make every stress disappear for that minute. No one to laugh at the ridiculous way I dance with Brooklyn. No one to have One Tree Hill marathons with (I am pretty sure he secretly loves it even though he makes fun of through the entire thing). No one to check out the apartment when I think I hear noises. No one to laugh when I am clumsy in the kitchen and drop numerous dishes. No shoulder to cry on when the day has just sucked. No one to remind me that everything does work out even when we are too broke to buy groceries. I have a feeling I am going to be breaking down a lot. And Brooke is going to be asking me if I am okay a lot. I think I am going to need to learn how to ask for help. I hate it. More than anything. I hate feeling..... not good enough. And I entirely feel this way when I have to depend on other people.
Sorry for being a downer. But it all kind of hit me today. I am excited for the future, and that this gives us an actual plan for life. But I am not excited for those 7 months. As you can obviously tell.
So I think it is time to stop writing about how scared I am (for today anyways), and go cuddle up with that amazing man, and let him tell me everything is going to be okay. And enjoy every second of this next month. And make it memorable. Memorable to last 7 months. Who is ready to be optimistic?! This girl!
By the way, I am listening to Hope by Addison Road (thank you Meggan for introducing me to this amazing band), and it is precisely what I needed to hear. If you have not listened to them, you should. They are so amazingly uplifting. And relate-able.
- Jake and Brooklyn finally playing together. They chase each other around the apartment, giggling with delight. They are going to be best friends this summer :) *fingers crossed*
- Doing a puzzle with Josephine and Clara on Monday. Watching Clara's mechanical brain work putting it together, because she is amazingly good at them. Talking with Josephine, because she isn't as big of a fan of puzzles, but I love listening to her talk about "Auntie do you remember when we did this and this and this?" I love them dearly.
- Watching Sex and the City 2 after a stressful day. It was the prefect pick-me-up.