Monday, November 21, 2011

Hes Back, Life Is Good

    Hmmm its been a while since I've done this! Well, John is back home, and life is pretty much back to normal.

    I never thought it would be so hard/weird getting used to have him home again. At first it was like we were stumbling around each other (and on top of each other... hahahaha) trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. I wasn't sure if I should/could leave him alone with the kids (a lot of things change after 7 months when it comes to 2 toddlers!), but I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him with them. I learned to trust it, and to leave a list like a babysitter would. So that both children would leave the house with shoes AND a jacket AND in normal clothes, not pajamas..... oh yes people, it happened. But, that part is over, and we're back to what feels normal, but a better version of normal than when he left. Those months apart can really change a relationship! And thankfully it changed ours for the better. So, now, I am greatly enjoying having my man back, and the kids love having daddy back :) Brooke still worries every now & again though that he is going to leave for "army school" again. Especially now that his new job is full time with the Guard and he has to wear his uniform every day *that is my favorite part ;-)*, she tends to freak out that hes headed for the airport again. Hopefully she'll figure out Daddy is home for GOOD (until sometime 2013 they say) and she can just get used to him coming home at night.

    On another note, I have found some military wives to be a tad on the crazy/oversensitive side (btw check out Overly Sentsitive Military Wives on fb.... its awesomely hilarious).... Such as, this weekend I wrote I was excited for John to get home from drill. Because I missed him. Well, sure enough, I got a message on fb from a woman whose husband is still away at training (we became fb friends during John's BCT) telling me how rude it was to put that I missed my husband when he was only gone for 2-3 days, when her husband still won't be home for another 8 weeks. And that I need to be more "considerate" of other military wives and not making them sad because my husband is now home & gets to come home after a couple days of training. That I need to remember how hard it was having him gone for so long and how upset I must have been hearing other people say they missed their men when they must have had no idea what I was going through. That I sounded civilian. Well, I would like to say that YES I do miss my husband when he is gone. I miss him when either of us is at work. I miss him when he is gone for the entire weekend, our time to spend together now that he is home. And no, I didn't get upset that other people missed their husbands. And seriously people, I'm sounding civilian?! Who the hell cares! I AM a civilian married to a soldier. I don't do all of the training. I wasn't the one gone from home. But, anyways, I just wanted to say that heck yes I do miss my husband when he is gone. And I will shout it to the freaking world if I want. Because you don't need to earn your right to miss someone, or to say that you do. That is absurd. I absolutely remember how tough it was for those months. It sucked. And yeah, when I saw my friends' husband were coming home, it made me sad because I wished John was home then too. But I wasn't upset with these friends for it, I rejoiced with them in the fact that they finally got to get back to their normal. Ugh. Just amazed at how people are able to pick at every little thing. So, sorry if I'm not sensitive enough for you! Go hangout in your 100 "army wife" shirts and dog tags and sweats, feel awesome. Yep, that was childish. Darn. And really, go tell someone who has someone they love deployed overseas about your issues about your husband still being at training so that they can shut your mouth for me. Your man isn't in any real danger while training. You know for a fact they are alive at the end of every day. Gosh, I would love to see that conversation.
     So anyways! Now we are getting ready for the holiday season! Thanksgiving is this week. Pretty excited for that food coma! NUM. Annnnd for Black Friday! Which is my 2nd favorite holiday besides Christmas. No, it isn't because of the shopping. There have been several years where I don't have the money to get anything (which will include this year!), but it is the day that just makes it fun. Going to the stores with all the rest of the crazy people, and spending the ONE day every year where my mom, sister, and I get to spend time together completely childless & husbandless. We have a blast, while being crazy sleep deprived. Helping find the things on each others lists, and figuring out which stores have the best deals on them. Pushing and shoving through crazy people. Standing in line for 45 minutes, pushing our pile of stuff across the floor, wishing we could just lay down and fall asleep on top of it. Trying to avoid the bathrooms because of the horrid smells from people's Thanksgiving meals. Finally listening to Christmas music (I refuse before Thanksgiving). And this year our shopping begins at 9 the night before! Crazy stores opening up at insane times. But, at least we will get all night to hang out childless. Since in the morning the kids are coming with because John has to work. Thank goodness we will have the big stores done by then! I'm still holding out hope that John's boss will come to his senses and tell John they don't actually work that day ;-)

    Hope all of your have a wonderful Thanksgiving and are able to spend it with your loved ones! Stay classy.

Monday, September 26, 2011

From Every Trial, Knowledge Can Be Gained

It's crazy, there are only 3 days left until John is home!!! And we will be done with this stretch of his military career. And he finally gets to be with us. Every day. This seriously has been the longest 7 months of my life, but I feel we really learned quite a lot....:

  • People in the military lie about how long BCT & AIT "feel". "It will fly by!!" <--- Never believing those words again. Lol. It didn't, it felt incredibly long, and this last week seems to be dragging on the longest.
  • As much as it would suck, and there is a solid chance I would fully lose my mind, I am very capable of doing the whole single mommy-hood gig.
  • I have respect for single parents, but I have extreme respect for single parents who don't have the other parent to "drop off" their kid/s with every-other weekend/week/whatever. It is hard. Being with your kids basically 24/7 and them only having you to rely on at home.... It isn't fun.
  • I love & appreciate my family & friends dearly. Everyone has been so helpful, even as much as I hate accepting the help, the gesture is appreciated.
  • As much as I love family being so helpful, I hate having to rely on them. I don't like having to rely on anyone.
  • There is nothing dumber than having a fight 2000 miles away from each other.... it accomplishes nothing.
  • I appreciate my job & my bosses so much... They have always been so flexible & understanding!
  • I have missed having a guy to talk to at all times. I love my female friends, truly, but sometimes you just need a man to tell it exactly like it is, with zero drama! And that being said, I apologize to my male friends for the last 7 months, because I was probably much more talkative than usual, and I'm sure about weird, random crap. Lol. Thanks for listening to my rambles.
  • I appreciate everything my husband does so much.... I may complain about Sundays when the NFL takes priority over everything else, but seriously, I can probably count on my fingers the number of times each month that I have cooked a real meal for me & the kids. I cannot wait to have time to cook again.
  • I hate "visiting" my husband. It just sounds wrong.
  • I feel I could "handle" a 9-month deployment now. With him having been gone 7 months, and both me and the kids came out with minimal scars, another 2 months would be nothing. I mean, it would suck, hardcore, but in the long haul it isn't as bad as it could be.
  • I hate doing dishes. A lot. I'm ready to be in charge of laundry again and John be in charge of dishes.
  • ACUs are sexy. End of story. (Yeah I'm not much of a fan of the dress-blues)
  • Sex is a wonderful thing. Going without it for months at a time sucks.
  • I cannot wait to see what our future holds. At the moment, it really is up in the air. I'm ready to make decisions and see where life leads us.
Thank you everyone for all of the encouragement, prayers, help, and distractions these past 7 months. Now to go to bed, and dream of the man I will be seeing in 2 days & a wake up :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

National Guard vs. Active Army - Our Decision

I swear I regret the day me & John told anyone we were debating switching to active Army. We should have waited until the decision is 100% final like we did with the Guard. We are thinking of possibly switch to being active within 6 months of John getting home. Or after that. But his recruiter said the waiting period they like to have is about 6 months for National Guards members switching to the Army.

But ever since, anytime it even vaguely gets brought up by anyone, it suddenly is a place for everyone to throw out things to try & make us change our minds. Now this isn't every single person, but it is a lot of friends and family. Huh, didn't know that what John & I decide for OUR family officially has to be 100% okayed by everyone else in order for us to do something. We aren't uninformed. We aren't being rash in our decision making. We are discussing (with eachother). We are researching. We are asking questions to people who are currently in the Army. And we are making this decision on our own. You may think I am stubborn as a mule, which I tend to be, but this isn't something that I see any budge room on. I have given people their say, but I am officially not discussing it any further with anyone until John & I have decided exactly what we want to do. And that isn't going to be anytime soon, it'll be sometime within the first 6 months John is home.

So this is the final thing I will say to these comments/concerns/opinions that have come from a whole mess of family & friends:

  • You are taking the kids away from everyone that loves them! No, we aren't. We will still be there with them. And there would be new people where ever we would move to love & play with them. Where ever we go, we will build new support systems. And airplanes, remember those? Yeah, we are able to come home. Whenever we want and are able. John only gets a certain amount of leave, but me & the kids don't.
  • But he is going to get deployed! & You will be all alone! Well, duh. He will get deployed in the National Guard too. That is inevitable and something I knew would happen no matter which branch he wanted to join. And the kids & I will not be alone. We can move home on deployments if we want to. Although, if we have been somewhere long enough and have on-post housing, or any housing that we don't want to give up, we may stay there. And just come home to visit a lot. That is something that would be decided at that time. And honestly, living on post with a bunch of families going through exactly what we are, and having that huge support system, instead of being home for that year or however long it would be with people who have no clue what is going on, even though they are family, would be nice. Idk what we/I would decide when we get there, but that is something that would be decided then, not now.
  • Won't you miss us?! Clearly. I love all of our friends and family here. Remember those big metal things that fly? Airplanes! Precisely what they were created for. Visiting places & people. We would visit. You could visit if you want. There are also phones calls, texts, facebook, skype, email. A whole buttload of ways to communicate & keep up with people.
  • What about being away from home? Minnesota will always be home. And we have already said we want to make Minnesota our permanent home after any commitment is finished.  But honestly, I have always wanted to travel around the country & the world. To fully go into different cultures (even if it is just a different culture in the United States), would be amazing. So yeah, I am downright excited to be able to get out of Minnesota for a while. It is one of the things that I see as a huge perk of the military.
  • The Army is so unorganized! I don't think I have ever worked any place that has ever seemed organized. Besides nannying, because I organize it lol. Even when its chaotic. Yes the Army has a whole bunch of practices that aren't very organized, not everyone knows all of the information, some things people aren't allowed to know, many things are last-minute, and not every direction is plainly laid out for you. Is where you work any better? Yes the Army may be a 24/7 job instead of 9 hours a day 5 days a week; but in any of the restaurants or stores I have worked in, all of those components have been a part of it. The didn't affect my family necessarily, but they were all a part of work. This is just work, on a much larger scale.
This isn't at any one single person at all. I am not attacking anyone, I just wanted to get everything out at once, not 1200 different times. Because it is our family. No one else's. And for once, it would be nice to be treated that way. Whether you are friends or family, you need to accept whichever decision we make and leave it be and support us. Because we don't need drama-causing people in our lives. And especially right now when they are mostly just in my life.

Now I am going to go play with my kids and give them a great Father's Day, just like we would do if their daddy was here with us. I hope you are all doing the same :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Silent Ranks

So I obviously did not write this, but a woman posted this on a group on facebook and I thought it was beautiful.... To all you military wives out there!

The Silent Ranks

I wear no uniforms,
 No blues or army greens.
But I am in the military
In the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders.
Salutes I do not give.
But the military world
Is the place where I live.

I am not in the chain of command,
Orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does,
this I cannot forget.
I am not the ones who fires the weapon,
who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough. 
I am the one that is left behind.

My husband is a patriot, 
A brave, a prideful man
And the call to serve his country,
 Not all understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed
to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice,
but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married,
Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks
know as the Military Wife.

So I know it has been a while since I wrote.... But honestly I have been avoiding it. Lol. There has been a lot on my mind and I feel if I start writing on here I will never stop, and should probably organize my thoughts a bit more before putting them here! I shall write soon :)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!

Well this has definitely been a month of many ups and downs! I am truly amazed by how fast it seems to be going by. The Battalion page on facebook and Twitter feed has been a God-send.... I would be out of my mind if it wasn't for the people on those pages! Even when one of us starts getting down and depressed, there is always someone there to lift you right back up :) I am missing John more than I thought possible, but after hearing his voice this weekend it has made it a little bit easier. Especially now that the mail is catching up and coming regularly. Thursdays are my favorite.... always get a massive letter that spans from the Friday-Sunday before. And this last one was very uplifting. He says he is making great friends, with several of them going to Fort Lee for AIT with him. He isn't a huge fan of their female DS, that she is a *tad* intense lol. Excited that he has his 8-pack back (I'm pretty pumped too! ;-) ) and loves Sundays because it is their relaxing day where he gets to take a nap and write everyone. I am so proud of him :) They moved into White Phase this past Saturday and are now focusing on their weapons and shooting and combat, and a bit less on the "soldierization" like they did in Red Phase. So that means a bit more freedoms.

Me & the kids have gotten into a good routine. Mondays are very relaxing - usually hang out at home, do a little cleaning, and just play. Tuesday it is work & then kids go to my folks' house so I can peacefully workout at the gym for a couple hours. Wednesday is work & church. Thursday is laundry & errands (and doctors the past couple weeks!! Darn you sickness that has invaded my children's bodies). Friday is work and home to relax. And weekends are whatever is going on. And every night I write to John once the kids are asleep - and stalk the battalion page every 5 minutes. I have grown to know my mailman. I meet him at the mailbox every Monday & Thursday :)

This past week has been the week of sickness and doctors it seems.... Brooke started getting sick middle of last week with a high fever, nasty cough, and sore throat. Then as she started getting on the mend Jake caught it.... And of course it buried deep into his lungs and has had a very hard week since. Went to the doctor 3 times the past 4 days. Monday - Brooke's 2 year checkup (36 1/2 inches tall and weighs 28 1/2 lbs! Growing like a weed!) and a sick checkup for Jake at the same time. Has an ear infection, and lots of gunk in his lungs. So we're doing nebulizer 3 times/day. Lung steroid once/day. And Amoxicillan twice/day. With Tylenol thrown in there whenever he fever spikes up. Wednesday - Jake threw up from coughing so hard. Brought him in and was given this nasty tea & honey mixture recipe to give him to loosen everything up so he wouldn't have to work so hard to cough it up. Took him a solid 35 minutes to down it.... it smelled awful lol. Poor kid. And today was his 15-month checkup. Weighs 19 lbs 12 oz and is 30 inches tall! Weight hasn't increased since his 12-month visit (He is down into the 5th percentile :( ), so have to start beefing up what he's eating - basically lots of pastas and putting rice cereal in his yogurt/applesauce/oatmeal. Thank goodness Jake sleeps a ton when he is sick... it is his only saving grace lol. Hearing that "Ehhhhh Ehhhh EHHHHH!" (Those of you who have met my child know this ridiculous noise lol) whine all day when he is sick makes a momma weary! Doctor also said his muscle development in his legs isn't exactly where it should be and that is probably the big reason he isn't walking yet. She said it is probably from all these months of being sick so often, and when he is sick he doesn't want to do much and sleeps wayyyyy more (like an extra 3 hours during the day more), and that he will catch up the better he feels. So I'm just walking with him holding onto my fingers all the time and keepin on workin on those little legs movin! I can't wait for his appointment at Children's in April..... always get so many more answers from the respiratory specialist than I ever can from the pediatrician. Ready for some answers!

But Jake is starting to talk more :) Will say "Dad" when I show him a picture of John, calls EVERYTHING "this", and will say "hi" and wave. Makes many sounds trying to imitate what I say, and of course gets frustrated when I can't understand what hes saying lol. And he stood by himself the other day! Like 5 whole seconds! I know it isn't much, but its a start! Brooke is finally feeling all the way better and is back to her happy (and often sassy! :-/ ) little self. Feeling very sentimental boxing up her 2T clothes... She just turned two 4 months ago! She is quite a tall girl! She loves coloring pictures for Daddy, especially because I let her use my pen when she does. She loves to draw him dolphins and whales and clouds.... all of which look like clouds. Big squiggly circles lol. But hey, at least she has a good imagination right?! And she makes me label each thing on her drawing so Daddy knows what it is. And potty training is going really well! Only a couple accidents in the past week!! Ahhh she is just getting too big.

And I personally am doing... okay. Better than I thought I wold be for sure. Nannying those 3 days keeps my mind busy. I don't really have tons of time to think about it til the kids go to bed most days. And that is when I write John. Until like 2-3 a.m. Because apparently my body refuses to get a good nights sleep while he is gone lol. So I am extremely sleep deprived, but sadly am getting used to that. Although last night I feel asleep around 12! Felt pretty stinkin' good! Plus, being fairly busy this past month has helped a lot. Went scrapbooking with my mom and sister a couple weekends ago, which was a blast! Only got 20 pages done, but had a lot of fun and got to catch up on some sleep and relax. And last weekend Kaylee was here. It was nice to catch up and hang out :) Even if 2 sick kids meant us being stuck in the boring apartment way more than I wanted to be lol.

Now for hoping April goes by just as quickly (or quicker!) as March did! 41 days til I see my baby! HOOAH!

Little Moments
  • Brooke reading her "Cars" book to ME every night before she goes to bed. "And Lighting McQueen goes.... KA-CHOW!"
  • Jake deciding he likes to cuddle before bed again... I love being able to rock with my baby boy for a couple peaceful minutes before he goes to bed.
  • 30 amazing minutes talking to my husband on Saturday. 2 1/2 weeks until I hear his sexy voice again!

*Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.*

Sunday, March 6, 2011

My Perfect Man

So, in high school I was never alone for more than a couple weeks. I always had a boy around to keep me company. I had a lot of close guy friends. And a lot of boyfriends. Yeah, I had my best girls too. But girls are dramatic. And complicated. And catty. And way too emotional. (Yes, I realize I am female and have all of those characteristics!) Boys are just...... easy. Not a whole lot of complicated emotions. They are brutally honest, especially when you need it. They tend to be amazing listeners. And (most) or them are taller/bigger so when you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to give you a hug, it is comforting, safe, and strong. And they are okay (and usually love) with doing ridiculous and fun and goofy things, like go-carting, playing at a park, going to valleyfair, laser tag, and video games.

I think that is the entire reason I went through dating guy after guy for those first 2 years. I was searching for someone to be all of those things. And all along I had him right there in my pocket. John Behrens. My best friend. The one I complained to about all the wretched boys to. Lol.

And now I miss that amazing man like crazy. I know, I know, I am being very complainy. But I missed his phone call this morning, and it really made my day do a suckhole 180. Listening to a voicemail saying he is safe and loves me just isn't the same as hearing it in real time. I miss that male-ness around the apartment, and in my life. Not saying I want to like hang out with all my guy friends to fill in the gaps, I just want the one whole filled in all the gaps by himself. To keep my ridiculous emotions in check, and to be goofy with, and lazy with. I realize it is only 4 days in, and I've got about 200 more to go, but I tend to suck at being alone.

But I am convinced to make tonight fun for the kids.  And the rest of the time. Because if they're miserable, its gonna make me more miserable, and then also crabby, which is never good. Lol. So tonight I'm going to make them they're favorite dinner (mac n cheese & hot dogs, of course!), and have a fun bath, and play "kitchen" til bedtime.

And I think as long as I don't miss any more of John's phone calls I won't have any more days where I feel as sucky and in a funk as today. And Jake's cough is finally getting better this afternoon, which is making me much happier not freaking out that he is going to vomit everywhere due to constantly coughing so hard.

So have a good week people, I am going to make sure I do :)

Friday, March 4, 2011

And So the Countdown Begins

So John has been gone 3 days, and things have been going well thus far. Well as in, nothing drastic has happened and I haven't been breaking down crying, yet. Haha. I have gotten the bathroom super clean, kept up on dishes, and started going through the ridiculous amount of junk next to our computer. Even went on my first excursion with both kids today! We got our new monitor at Best Buy. And no meltdowns! Woo!

However, today was the first day I have noticed Brooklyn genuinely missing Daddy. She asked me at least 15 times where he was. And was very sad after she had to hang up the phone with him this afternoon after only getting to talk to him for a couple minutes. Tonight she wanted to cuddle with him, but instead was okay with reading the Toy Story book he recorded for them and going to sleep with his old Vennard College ID. She found it on Wednesday next to our bed and has put it in her pocket every day. She says "Daddy's in my pocket!" I explain to her that Daddy is working in the army and won't be home for a very long time, but that only makes her more sad. I just hope she will understand soon, I feel terrible for her.

I am even noticing it with Jake. He went up to the patio door several times tonight saying "Dada!" "Dad!"... and there really is no way to explain to him what is going on. He also seems to be very comforted by reading that Toy Story book. Sits calmly and lets me go through the entire thing. So that is a plus.

I am just counting down the days until I can have another real conversation with him. It has been nice with him being able to have his phone on his down time right now, but his downtime is about 5 minutes tops, and phone calls are never more than 2 minutes. I just can't wait to get his address, and write him a letter. And to get one back and finding out how everything is going, and how he feels about it all. I hate sleeping alone, but am getting more comfortable with it, since I know I have to. Last night it only took about 10 minutes, compared to Wednesday night when it took almost an hour.

It really hit that he is gone for a long time today after I was done at Pump It Up with the kids and Meghan, Addison, and Aaron. I had a lot of fun there, and started calling John on the way home to tell him about it and that I was going to be home a few hours earlier than normal. As the phone started ringing I realized I couldn't just call him and let him know these things, there was no one at home waiting for us to get back.

So for now I am going to keep busy working on projects around the apartment with my music blaring. Watching all my seasons of OTH; and having Criminal Minds on instead of Sports Center. Playing with the kids so that they stay happy. And going to Lifetime, where I can have 2 hours entirely to myself where I can workout for an hour, and spend another full hour in the locker room getting ready!

And I want to thank all of you who are being so awesome and offering help, and just understanding that hanging out for the next few months means hanging out with the kids too, not just me.

On another note, I am super excited for all the things keeping me busy this month! Brooke and I are going to Disney On Ice with my mom, sister, and the girls tomorrow; while Jake gets to spend some one-on-one time with grandpa. Jewelry party next weekend. Scrapbooking for 3 days in 2 weeks while the kids stay with Bruce & Nancy, and then Kaylee is coming for a few days at the end of the month! So a lot of fun events to look forward to :)

And as an update from John, he has said that reception has sucked. Lol. He has gotten about 3 hours of sleep the past 3 days and is beyond exhausted, but found a good guy to buddy up with these past couple days. Also, his basic training officially starts tomorrow, and his graduation is May 12th. I will find out his address some time in the next few days, and will send out an email/message to everyone finding out who would like his address then. He is very much looking forward to basic starting, especially because it means he is done with paperwork for the time being! 

Time to get to bed and prepare for a busy day tomorrow! And hopefully tomorrow night at this time I will be on our brand spankin' new desktop, instead of the crappy laptop! :)

Little Moments
  • Brooke praying on her own before bedtime tonight. "Now lay me sleep, pray soul keep, take me night, him morning light" (Her version of the prayer we do every night!) I figure God knows what she means ;-)
  • Jake saying "Hi Dada" when I started playing the Toy Story book before he went to bed... Yes I just about cried. 
  • Being able to talk to John the past 2 days, I didn't think we would get to talk at all. I get so excited even for just a random "I love you" text during the middle of the day.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dog Hair, Potty Training, and the Unknown

This week we are dog-sitting at Bruce and Nancy's (John's parents) house while they are in Florida. And it is stressing me out like none other. Mostly the dog hair. It is everywhere. I constantly have it on me. And the kids are constantly covered in it. I finds poofs in Jake's mouth. Brooke brings me poofs every 10 minutes to be thrown away (she isn't exactly a big fan of hair not being in its proper place). And after my nice relaxing shower, I dry off with a clean towel, which still has dog hair on it, only to have dog hair on me again. All I can say is I commend Nancy for being able to deal with it. Because I would have gone insane years ago if I were her!

Now I must say, even with the amazing amount of hair, I love having laundry available at all times. Especially with a potty-training Brooke who thinks wearing pants = a diaper and feels the need to pee. Ah well. I brought it upon myself! But she is getting the hang of it :) We had two whole days without accidents! I feel so bad for her when she has an accident, she gets so embarrassed. Her voice gets all high pitched "Potty on the toilet! Potty on the toilet Mommy!" Followed by an enormous frown and the saddest face I have ever seen her make, which inevitably turns to sobs.

So I realized this afternoon that I only have 1 month left (he leaves March 2nd) with my husband until he is gone for 7 long months.... and to be honest I am completely freaking out. My eyes tear up even thinking about it. I am terrified that I am going to screw up my children in that time. Because there is no one there to help with decisions for them. I have to make every single decision involving them for 7 months. And I am incredibly indecisive. I have to go alone to the hospital with Jake for all of his respiratory appointments and try to figure everything out with the doctors by myself. What if I do something wrong health-wise with him and make his lungs worse?! I have to direct Brooke through her "terrible two's" while trying not to flip out at all times because she is coloring on the wall, sitting on her brother, melting down on the way home from work because she can't have paci on the 10 minute drive home, and refusing to eat her dinner. What if I respond wrong to all of the above situations and she doesn't continue to be the amazing, sweet, adorable child that she is 90% of the time now?!

And I have to plain old figure out how to live with the man I love being 1, 234 miles away from me at all times (yes, I looked it up). That is 20 hours of driving people! No goodnight kisses. No talking in bed for 45 minutes before we fall asleep. No one to hug me and make every stress disappear for that minute. No one to laugh at the ridiculous way I dance with Brooklyn. No one to have One Tree Hill marathons with (I am pretty sure he secretly loves it even though he makes fun of through the entire thing). No one to check out the apartment when I think I hear noises. No one to laugh when I am clumsy in the kitchen and drop numerous dishes. No shoulder to cry on when the day has just sucked. No one to remind me that everything does work out even when we are too broke to buy groceries. I have a feeling I am going to be breaking down a lot. And Brooke is going to be asking me if I am okay a lot. I think I am going to need to learn how to ask for help. I hate it. More than anything. I hate feeling..... not good enough. And I entirely feel this way when I have to depend on other people.

Sorry for being a downer. But it all kind of hit me today. I am excited for the future, and that this gives us an actual plan for life. But I am not excited for those 7 months. As you can obviously tell.

So I think it is time to stop writing about how scared I am (for today anyways), and go cuddle up with that amazing man, and let him tell me everything is going to be okay. And enjoy every second of this next month. And make it memorable. Memorable to last 7 months. Who is ready to be optimistic?! This girl!

By the way, I am listening to Hope by Addison Road (thank you Meggan for introducing me to this amazing band), and it is precisely what I needed to hear. If you have not listened to them, you should. They are so amazingly uplifting. And relate-able.

Little Moments
  • Jake and Brooklyn finally playing together. They chase each other around the apartment, giggling with delight. They are going to be best friends this summer :) *fingers crossed*
  • Doing a puzzle with Josephine and Clara on Monday. Watching Clara's mechanical brain work putting it together, because she is amazingly good at them. Talking with Josephine, because she isn't as big of a fan of puzzles, but I love listening to her talk about "Auntie do you remember when we did this and this and this?" I love them dearly.
  • Watching Sex and the City 2 after a stressful day. It was the prefect pick-me-up.