So I obviously did not write this, but a woman posted this on a group on facebook and I thought it was beautiful.... To all you military wives out there!
The Silent Ranks
I wear no uniforms,
No blues or army greens.
But I am in the military
In the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders.
Salutes I do not give.
But the military world
Is the place where I live.
I am not in the chain of command,
Orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does,
this I cannot forget.
I am not the ones who fires the weapon,
who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough.
I am the one that is left behind.
My husband is a patriot,
A brave, a prideful man
And the call to serve his country,
Not all understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed
to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice,
but so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married,
Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks
know as the Military Wife.
So I know it has been a while since I wrote.... But honestly I have been avoiding it. Lol. There has been a lot on my mind and I feel if I start writing on here I will never stop, and should probably organize my thoughts a bit more before putting them here! I shall write soon :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!
Well this has definitely been a month of many ups and downs! I am truly amazed by how fast it seems to be going by. The Battalion page on facebook and Twitter feed has been a God-send.... I would be out of my mind if it wasn't for the people on those pages! Even when one of us starts getting down and depressed, there is always someone there to lift you right back up :) I am missing John more than I thought possible, but after hearing his voice this weekend it has made it a little bit easier. Especially now that the mail is catching up and coming regularly. Thursdays are my favorite.... always get a massive letter that spans from the Friday-Sunday before. And this last one was very uplifting. He says he is making great friends, with several of them going to Fort Lee for AIT with him. He isn't a huge fan of their female DS, that she is a *tad* intense lol. Excited that he has his 8-pack back (I'm pretty pumped too! ;-) ) and loves Sundays because it is their relaxing day where he gets to take a nap and write everyone. I am so proud of him :) They moved into White Phase this past Saturday and are now focusing on their weapons and shooting and combat, and a bit less on the "soldierization" like they did in Red Phase. So that means a bit more freedoms.
Me & the kids have gotten into a good routine. Mondays are very relaxing - usually hang out at home, do a little cleaning, and just play. Tuesday it is work & then kids go to my folks' house so I can peacefully workout at the gym for a couple hours. Wednesday is work & church. Thursday is laundry & errands (and doctors the past couple weeks!! Darn you sickness that has invaded my children's bodies). Friday is work and home to relax. And weekends are whatever is going on. And every night I write to John once the kids are asleep - and stalk the battalion page every 5 minutes. I have grown to know my mailman. I meet him at the mailbox every Monday & Thursday :)
This past week has been the week of sickness and doctors it seems.... Brooke started getting sick middle of last week with a high fever, nasty cough, and sore throat. Then as she started getting on the mend Jake caught it.... And of course it buried deep into his lungs and has had a very hard week since. Went to the doctor 3 times the past 4 days. Monday - Brooke's 2 year checkup (36 1/2 inches tall and weighs 28 1/2 lbs! Growing like a weed!) and a sick checkup for Jake at the same time. Has an ear infection, and lots of gunk in his lungs. So we're doing nebulizer 3 times/day. Lung steroid once/day. And Amoxicillan twice/day. With Tylenol thrown in there whenever he fever spikes up. Wednesday - Jake threw up from coughing so hard. Brought him in and was given this nasty tea & honey mixture recipe to give him to loosen everything up so he wouldn't have to work so hard to cough it up. Took him a solid 35 minutes to down it.... it smelled awful lol. Poor kid. And today was his 15-month checkup. Weighs 19 lbs 12 oz and is 30 inches tall! Weight hasn't increased since his 12-month visit (He is down into the 5th percentile :( ), so have to start beefing up what he's eating - basically lots of pastas and putting rice cereal in his yogurt/applesauce/oatmeal. Thank goodness Jake sleeps a ton when he is sick... it is his only saving grace lol. Hearing that "Ehhhhh Ehhhh EHHHHH!" (Those of you who have met my child know this ridiculous noise lol) whine all day when he is sick makes a momma weary! Doctor also said his muscle development in his legs isn't exactly where it should be and that is probably the big reason he isn't walking yet. She said it is probably from all these months of being sick so often, and when he is sick he doesn't want to do much and sleeps wayyyyy more (like an extra 3 hours during the day more), and that he will catch up the better he feels. So I'm just walking with him holding onto my fingers all the time and keepin on workin on those little legs movin! I can't wait for his appointment at Children's in April..... always get so many more answers from the respiratory specialist than I ever can from the pediatrician. Ready for some answers!
But Jake is starting to talk more :) Will say "Dad" when I show him a picture of John, calls EVERYTHING "this", and will say "hi" and wave. Makes many sounds trying to imitate what I say, and of course gets frustrated when I can't understand what hes saying lol. And he stood by himself the other day! Like 5 whole seconds! I know it isn't much, but its a start! Brooke is finally feeling all the way better and is back to her happy (and often sassy! :-/ ) little self. Feeling very sentimental boxing up her 2T clothes... She just turned two 4 months ago! She is quite a tall girl! She loves coloring pictures for Daddy, especially because I let her use my pen when she does. She loves to draw him dolphins and whales and clouds.... all of which look like clouds. Big squiggly circles lol. But hey, at least she has a good imagination right?! And she makes me label each thing on her drawing so Daddy knows what it is. And potty training is going really well! Only a couple accidents in the past week!! Ahhh she is just getting too big.
And I personally am doing... okay. Better than I thought I wold be for sure. Nannying those 3 days keeps my mind busy. I don't really have tons of time to think about it til the kids go to bed most days. And that is when I write John. Until like 2-3 a.m. Because apparently my body refuses to get a good nights sleep while he is gone lol. So I am extremely sleep deprived, but sadly am getting used to that. Although last night I feel asleep around 12! Felt pretty stinkin' good! Plus, being fairly busy this past month has helped a lot. Went scrapbooking with my mom and sister a couple weekends ago, which was a blast! Only got 20 pages done, but had a lot of fun and got to catch up on some sleep and relax. And last weekend Kaylee was here. It was nice to catch up and hang out :) Even if 2 sick kids meant us being stuck in the boring apartment way more than I wanted to be lol.
Now for hoping April goes by just as quickly (or quicker!) as March did! 41 days til I see my baby! HOOAH!
Little Moments
*Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.*
Me & the kids have gotten into a good routine. Mondays are very relaxing - usually hang out at home, do a little cleaning, and just play. Tuesday it is work & then kids go to my folks' house so I can peacefully workout at the gym for a couple hours. Wednesday is work & church. Thursday is laundry & errands (and doctors the past couple weeks!! Darn you sickness that has invaded my children's bodies). Friday is work and home to relax. And weekends are whatever is going on. And every night I write to John once the kids are asleep - and stalk the battalion page every 5 minutes. I have grown to know my mailman. I meet him at the mailbox every Monday & Thursday :)
This past week has been the week of sickness and doctors it seems.... Brooke started getting sick middle of last week with a high fever, nasty cough, and sore throat. Then as she started getting on the mend Jake caught it.... And of course it buried deep into his lungs and has had a very hard week since. Went to the doctor 3 times the past 4 days. Monday - Brooke's 2 year checkup (36 1/2 inches tall and weighs 28 1/2 lbs! Growing like a weed!) and a sick checkup for Jake at the same time. Has an ear infection, and lots of gunk in his lungs. So we're doing nebulizer 3 times/day. Lung steroid once/day. And Amoxicillan twice/day. With Tylenol thrown in there whenever he fever spikes up. Wednesday - Jake threw up from coughing so hard. Brought him in and was given this nasty tea & honey mixture recipe to give him to loosen everything up so he wouldn't have to work so hard to cough it up. Took him a solid 35 minutes to down it.... it smelled awful lol. Poor kid. And today was his 15-month checkup. Weighs 19 lbs 12 oz and is 30 inches tall! Weight hasn't increased since his 12-month visit (He is down into the 5th percentile :( ), so have to start beefing up what he's eating - basically lots of pastas and putting rice cereal in his yogurt/applesauce/oatmeal. Thank goodness Jake sleeps a ton when he is sick... it is his only saving grace lol. Hearing that "Ehhhhh Ehhhh EHHHHH!" (Those of you who have met my child know this ridiculous noise lol) whine all day when he is sick makes a momma weary! Doctor also said his muscle development in his legs isn't exactly where it should be and that is probably the big reason he isn't walking yet. She said it is probably from all these months of being sick so often, and when he is sick he doesn't want to do much and sleeps wayyyyy more (like an extra 3 hours during the day more), and that he will catch up the better he feels. So I'm just walking with him holding onto my fingers all the time and keepin on workin on those little legs movin! I can't wait for his appointment at Children's in April..... always get so many more answers from the respiratory specialist than I ever can from the pediatrician. Ready for some answers!
But Jake is starting to talk more :) Will say "Dad" when I show him a picture of John, calls EVERYTHING "this", and will say "hi" and wave. Makes many sounds trying to imitate what I say, and of course gets frustrated when I can't understand what hes saying lol. And he stood by himself the other day! Like 5 whole seconds! I know it isn't much, but its a start! Brooke is finally feeling all the way better and is back to her happy (and often sassy! :-/ ) little self. Feeling very sentimental boxing up her 2T clothes... She just turned two 4 months ago! She is quite a tall girl! She loves coloring pictures for Daddy, especially because I let her use my pen when she does. She loves to draw him dolphins and whales and clouds.... all of which look like clouds. Big squiggly circles lol. But hey, at least she has a good imagination right?! And she makes me label each thing on her drawing so Daddy knows what it is. And potty training is going really well! Only a couple accidents in the past week!! Ahhh she is just getting too big.
And I personally am doing... okay. Better than I thought I wold be for sure. Nannying those 3 days keeps my mind busy. I don't really have tons of time to think about it til the kids go to bed most days. And that is when I write John. Until like 2-3 a.m. Because apparently my body refuses to get a good nights sleep while he is gone lol. So I am extremely sleep deprived, but sadly am getting used to that. Although last night I feel asleep around 12! Felt pretty stinkin' good! Plus, being fairly busy this past month has helped a lot. Went scrapbooking with my mom and sister a couple weekends ago, which was a blast! Only got 20 pages done, but had a lot of fun and got to catch up on some sleep and relax. And last weekend Kaylee was here. It was nice to catch up and hang out :) Even if 2 sick kids meant us being stuck in the boring apartment way more than I wanted to be lol.
Now for hoping April goes by just as quickly (or quicker!) as March did! 41 days til I see my baby! HOOAH!
Little Moments
- Brooke reading her "Cars" book to ME every night before she goes to bed. "And Lighting McQueen goes.... KA-CHOW!"
- Jake deciding he likes to cuddle before bed again... I love being able to rock with my baby boy for a couple peaceful minutes before he goes to bed.
- 30 amazing minutes talking to my husband on Saturday. 2 1/2 weeks until I hear his sexy voice again!
*Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.*
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My Perfect Man
So, in high school I was never alone for more than a couple weeks. I always had a boy around to keep me company. I had a lot of close guy friends. And a lot of boyfriends. Yeah, I had my best girls too. But girls are dramatic. And complicated. And catty. And way too emotional. (Yes, I realize I am female and have all of those characteristics!) Boys are just...... easy. Not a whole lot of complicated emotions. They are brutally honest, especially when you need it. They tend to be amazing listeners. And (most) or them are taller/bigger so when you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to give you a hug, it is comforting, safe, and strong. And they are okay (and usually love) with doing ridiculous and fun and goofy things, like go-carting, playing at a park, going to valleyfair, laser tag, and video games.
I think that is the entire reason I went through dating guy after guy for those first 2 years. I was searching for someone to be all of those things. And all along I had him right there in my pocket. John Behrens. My best friend. The one I complained to about all the wretched boys to. Lol.
And now I miss that amazing man like crazy. I know, I know, I am being very complainy. But I missed his phone call this morning, and it really made my day do a suckhole 180. Listening to a voicemail saying he is safe and loves me just isn't the same as hearing it in real time. I miss that male-ness around the apartment, and in my life. Not saying I want to like hang out with all my guy friends to fill in the gaps, I just want the one whole filled in all the gaps by himself. To keep my ridiculous emotions in check, and to be goofy with, and lazy with. I realize it is only 4 days in, and I've got about 200 more to go, but I tend to suck at being alone.
But I am convinced to make tonight fun for the kids. And the rest of the time. Because if they're miserable, its gonna make me more miserable, and then also crabby, which is never good. Lol. So tonight I'm going to make them they're favorite dinner (mac n cheese & hot dogs, of course!), and have a fun bath, and play "kitchen" til bedtime.
And I think as long as I don't miss any more of John's phone calls I won't have any more days where I feel as sucky and in a funk as today. And Jake's cough is finally getting better this afternoon, which is making me much happier not freaking out that he is going to vomit everywhere due to constantly coughing so hard.
So have a good week people, I am going to make sure I do :)
I think that is the entire reason I went through dating guy after guy for those first 2 years. I was searching for someone to be all of those things. And all along I had him right there in my pocket. John Behrens. My best friend. The one I complained to about all the wretched boys to. Lol.
And now I miss that amazing man like crazy. I know, I know, I am being very complainy. But I missed his phone call this morning, and it really made my day do a suckhole 180. Listening to a voicemail saying he is safe and loves me just isn't the same as hearing it in real time. I miss that male-ness around the apartment, and in my life. Not saying I want to like hang out with all my guy friends to fill in the gaps, I just want the one whole filled in all the gaps by himself. To keep my ridiculous emotions in check, and to be goofy with, and lazy with. I realize it is only 4 days in, and I've got about 200 more to go, but I tend to suck at being alone.
But I am convinced to make tonight fun for the kids. And the rest of the time. Because if they're miserable, its gonna make me more miserable, and then also crabby, which is never good. Lol. So tonight I'm going to make them they're favorite dinner (mac n cheese & hot dogs, of course!), and have a fun bath, and play "kitchen" til bedtime.
And I think as long as I don't miss any more of John's phone calls I won't have any more days where I feel as sucky and in a funk as today. And Jake's cough is finally getting better this afternoon, which is making me much happier not freaking out that he is going to vomit everywhere due to constantly coughing so hard.
So have a good week people, I am going to make sure I do :)
Friday, March 4, 2011
And So the Countdown Begins
So John has been gone 3 days, and things have been going well thus far. Well as in, nothing drastic has happened and I haven't been breaking down crying, yet. Haha. I have gotten the bathroom super clean, kept up on dishes, and started going through the ridiculous amount of junk next to our computer. Even went on my first excursion with both kids today! We got our new monitor at Best Buy. And no meltdowns! Woo!
However, today was the first day I have noticed Brooklyn genuinely missing Daddy. She asked me at least 15 times where he was. And was very sad after she had to hang up the phone with him this afternoon after only getting to talk to him for a couple minutes. Tonight she wanted to cuddle with him, but instead was okay with reading the Toy Story book he recorded for them and going to sleep with his old Vennard College ID. She found it on Wednesday next to our bed and has put it in her pocket every day. She says "Daddy's in my pocket!" I explain to her that Daddy is working in the army and won't be home for a very long time, but that only makes her more sad. I just hope she will understand soon, I feel terrible for her.
I am even noticing it with Jake. He went up to the patio door several times tonight saying "Dada!" "Dad!"... and there really is no way to explain to him what is going on. He also seems to be very comforted by reading that Toy Story book. Sits calmly and lets me go through the entire thing. So that is a plus.
I am just counting down the days until I can have another real conversation with him. It has been nice with him being able to have his phone on his down time right now, but his downtime is about 5 minutes tops, and phone calls are never more than 2 minutes. I just can't wait to get his address, and write him a letter. And to get one back and finding out how everything is going, and how he feels about it all. I hate sleeping alone, but am getting more comfortable with it, since I know I have to. Last night it only took about 10 minutes, compared to Wednesday night when it took almost an hour.
It really hit that he is gone for a long time today after I was done at Pump It Up with the kids and Meghan, Addison, and Aaron. I had a lot of fun there, and started calling John on the way home to tell him about it and that I was going to be home a few hours earlier than normal. As the phone started ringing I realized I couldn't just call him and let him know these things, there was no one at home waiting for us to get back.
So for now I am going to keep busy working on projects around the apartment with my music blaring. Watching all my seasons of OTH; and having Criminal Minds on instead of Sports Center. Playing with the kids so that they stay happy. And going to Lifetime, where I can have 2 hours entirely to myself where I can workout for an hour, and spend another full hour in the locker room getting ready!
And I want to thank all of you who are being so awesome and offering help, and just understanding that hanging out for the next few months means hanging out with the kids too, not just me.
On another note, I am super excited for all the things keeping me busy this month! Brooke and I are going to Disney On Ice with my mom, sister, and the girls tomorrow; while Jake gets to spend some one-on-one time with grandpa. Jewelry party next weekend. Scrapbooking for 3 days in 2 weeks while the kids stay with Bruce & Nancy, and then Kaylee is coming for a few days at the end of the month! So a lot of fun events to look forward to :)
And as an update from John, he has said that reception has sucked. Lol. He has gotten about 3 hours of sleep the past 3 days and is beyond exhausted, but found a good guy to buddy up with these past couple days. Also, his basic training officially starts tomorrow, and his graduation is May 12th. I will find out his address some time in the next few days, and will send out an email/message to everyone finding out who would like his address then. He is very much looking forward to basic starting, especially because it means he is done with paperwork for the time being!
Time to get to bed and prepare for a busy day tomorrow! And hopefully tomorrow night at this time I will be on our brand spankin' new desktop, instead of the crappy laptop! :)
Little Moments
However, today was the first day I have noticed Brooklyn genuinely missing Daddy. She asked me at least 15 times where he was. And was very sad after she had to hang up the phone with him this afternoon after only getting to talk to him for a couple minutes. Tonight she wanted to cuddle with him, but instead was okay with reading the Toy Story book he recorded for them and going to sleep with his old Vennard College ID. She found it on Wednesday next to our bed and has put it in her pocket every day. She says "Daddy's in my pocket!" I explain to her that Daddy is working in the army and won't be home for a very long time, but that only makes her more sad. I just hope she will understand soon, I feel terrible for her.
I am even noticing it with Jake. He went up to the patio door several times tonight saying "Dada!" "Dad!"... and there really is no way to explain to him what is going on. He also seems to be very comforted by reading that Toy Story book. Sits calmly and lets me go through the entire thing. So that is a plus.
I am just counting down the days until I can have another real conversation with him. It has been nice with him being able to have his phone on his down time right now, but his downtime is about 5 minutes tops, and phone calls are never more than 2 minutes. I just can't wait to get his address, and write him a letter. And to get one back and finding out how everything is going, and how he feels about it all. I hate sleeping alone, but am getting more comfortable with it, since I know I have to. Last night it only took about 10 minutes, compared to Wednesday night when it took almost an hour.
It really hit that he is gone for a long time today after I was done at Pump It Up with the kids and Meghan, Addison, and Aaron. I had a lot of fun there, and started calling John on the way home to tell him about it and that I was going to be home a few hours earlier than normal. As the phone started ringing I realized I couldn't just call him and let him know these things, there was no one at home waiting for us to get back.
So for now I am going to keep busy working on projects around the apartment with my music blaring. Watching all my seasons of OTH; and having Criminal Minds on instead of Sports Center. Playing with the kids so that they stay happy. And going to Lifetime, where I can have 2 hours entirely to myself where I can workout for an hour, and spend another full hour in the locker room getting ready!
And I want to thank all of you who are being so awesome and offering help, and just understanding that hanging out for the next few months means hanging out with the kids too, not just me.
On another note, I am super excited for all the things keeping me busy this month! Brooke and I are going to Disney On Ice with my mom, sister, and the girls tomorrow; while Jake gets to spend some one-on-one time with grandpa. Jewelry party next weekend. Scrapbooking for 3 days in 2 weeks while the kids stay with Bruce & Nancy, and then Kaylee is coming for a few days at the end of the month! So a lot of fun events to look forward to :)
And as an update from John, he has said that reception has sucked. Lol. He has gotten about 3 hours of sleep the past 3 days and is beyond exhausted, but found a good guy to buddy up with these past couple days. Also, his basic training officially starts tomorrow, and his graduation is May 12th. I will find out his address some time in the next few days, and will send out an email/message to everyone finding out who would like his address then. He is very much looking forward to basic starting, especially because it means he is done with paperwork for the time being!
Time to get to bed and prepare for a busy day tomorrow! And hopefully tomorrow night at this time I will be on our brand spankin' new desktop, instead of the crappy laptop! :)
Little Moments
- Brooke praying on her own before bedtime tonight. "Now lay me sleep, pray soul keep, take me night, him morning light" (Her version of the prayer we do every night!) I figure God knows what she means ;-)
- Jake saying "Hi Dada" when I started playing the Toy Story book before he went to bed... Yes I just about cried.
- Being able to talk to John the past 2 days, I didn't think we would get to talk at all. I get so excited even for just a random "I love you" text during the middle of the day.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Dog Hair, Potty Training, and the Unknown
This week we are dog-sitting at Bruce and Nancy's (John's parents) house while they are in Florida. And it is stressing me out like none other. Mostly the dog hair. It is everywhere. I constantly have it on me. And the kids are constantly covered in it. I finds poofs in Jake's mouth. Brooke brings me poofs every 10 minutes to be thrown away (she isn't exactly a big fan of hair not being in its proper place). And after my nice relaxing shower, I dry off with a clean towel, which still has dog hair on it, only to have dog hair on me again. All I can say is I commend Nancy for being able to deal with it. Because I would have gone insane years ago if I were her!
Now I must say, even with the amazing amount of hair, I love having laundry available at all times. Especially with a potty-training Brooke who thinks wearing pants = a diaper and feels the need to pee. Ah well. I brought it upon myself! But she is getting the hang of it :) We had two whole days without accidents! I feel so bad for her when she has an accident, she gets so embarrassed. Her voice gets all high pitched "Potty on the toilet! Potty on the toilet Mommy!" Followed by an enormous frown and the saddest face I have ever seen her make, which inevitably turns to sobs.
So I realized this afternoon that I only have 1 month left (he leaves March 2nd) with my husband until he is gone for 7 long months.... and to be honest I am completely freaking out. My eyes tear up even thinking about it. I am terrified that I am going to screw up my children in that time. Because there is no one there to help with decisions for them. I have to make every single decision involving them for 7 months. And I am incredibly indecisive. I have to go alone to the hospital with Jake for all of his respiratory appointments and try to figure everything out with the doctors by myself. What if I do something wrong health-wise with him and make his lungs worse?! I have to direct Brooke through her "terrible two's" while trying not to flip out at all times because she is coloring on the wall, sitting on her brother, melting down on the way home from work because she can't have paci on the 10 minute drive home, and refusing to eat her dinner. What if I respond wrong to all of the above situations and she doesn't continue to be the amazing, sweet, adorable child that she is 90% of the time now?!
And I have to plain old figure out how to live with the man I love being 1, 234 miles away from me at all times (yes, I looked it up). That is 20 hours of driving people! No goodnight kisses. No talking in bed for 45 minutes before we fall asleep. No one to hug me and make every stress disappear for that minute. No one to laugh at the ridiculous way I dance with Brooklyn. No one to have One Tree Hill marathons with (I am pretty sure he secretly loves it even though he makes fun of through the entire thing). No one to check out the apartment when I think I hear noises. No one to laugh when I am clumsy in the kitchen and drop numerous dishes. No shoulder to cry on when the day has just sucked. No one to remind me that everything does work out even when we are too broke to buy groceries. I have a feeling I am going to be breaking down a lot. And Brooke is going to be asking me if I am okay a lot. I think I am going to need to learn how to ask for help. I hate it. More than anything. I hate feeling..... not good enough. And I entirely feel this way when I have to depend on other people.
Sorry for being a downer. But it all kind of hit me today. I am excited for the future, and that this gives us an actual plan for life. But I am not excited for those 7 months. As you can obviously tell.
So I think it is time to stop writing about how scared I am (for today anyways), and go cuddle up with that amazing man, and let him tell me everything is going to be okay. And enjoy every second of this next month. And make it memorable. Memorable to last 7 months. Who is ready to be optimistic?! This girl!
By the way, I am listening to Hope by Addison Road (thank you Meggan for introducing me to this amazing band), and it is precisely what I needed to hear. If you have not listened to them, you should. They are so amazingly uplifting. And relate-able.
Little Moments
Now I must say, even with the amazing amount of hair, I love having laundry available at all times. Especially with a potty-training Brooke who thinks wearing pants = a diaper and feels the need to pee. Ah well. I brought it upon myself! But she is getting the hang of it :) We had two whole days without accidents! I feel so bad for her when she has an accident, she gets so embarrassed. Her voice gets all high pitched "Potty on the toilet! Potty on the toilet Mommy!" Followed by an enormous frown and the saddest face I have ever seen her make, which inevitably turns to sobs.
So I realized this afternoon that I only have 1 month left (he leaves March 2nd) with my husband until he is gone for 7 long months.... and to be honest I am completely freaking out. My eyes tear up even thinking about it. I am terrified that I am going to screw up my children in that time. Because there is no one there to help with decisions for them. I have to make every single decision involving them for 7 months. And I am incredibly indecisive. I have to go alone to the hospital with Jake for all of his respiratory appointments and try to figure everything out with the doctors by myself. What if I do something wrong health-wise with him and make his lungs worse?! I have to direct Brooke through her "terrible two's" while trying not to flip out at all times because she is coloring on the wall, sitting on her brother, melting down on the way home from work because she can't have paci on the 10 minute drive home, and refusing to eat her dinner. What if I respond wrong to all of the above situations and she doesn't continue to be the amazing, sweet, adorable child that she is 90% of the time now?!
And I have to plain old figure out how to live with the man I love being 1, 234 miles away from me at all times (yes, I looked it up). That is 20 hours of driving people! No goodnight kisses. No talking in bed for 45 minutes before we fall asleep. No one to hug me and make every stress disappear for that minute. No one to laugh at the ridiculous way I dance with Brooklyn. No one to have One Tree Hill marathons with (I am pretty sure he secretly loves it even though he makes fun of through the entire thing). No one to check out the apartment when I think I hear noises. No one to laugh when I am clumsy in the kitchen and drop numerous dishes. No shoulder to cry on when the day has just sucked. No one to remind me that everything does work out even when we are too broke to buy groceries. I have a feeling I am going to be breaking down a lot. And Brooke is going to be asking me if I am okay a lot. I think I am going to need to learn how to ask for help. I hate it. More than anything. I hate feeling..... not good enough. And I entirely feel this way when I have to depend on other people.
Sorry for being a downer. But it all kind of hit me today. I am excited for the future, and that this gives us an actual plan for life. But I am not excited for those 7 months. As you can obviously tell.
So I think it is time to stop writing about how scared I am (for today anyways), and go cuddle up with that amazing man, and let him tell me everything is going to be okay. And enjoy every second of this next month. And make it memorable. Memorable to last 7 months. Who is ready to be optimistic?! This girl!
By the way, I am listening to Hope by Addison Road (thank you Meggan for introducing me to this amazing band), and it is precisely what I needed to hear. If you have not listened to them, you should. They are so amazingly uplifting. And relate-able.
Little Moments
- Jake and Brooklyn finally playing together. They chase each other around the apartment, giggling with delight. They are going to be best friends this summer :) *fingers crossed*
- Doing a puzzle with Josephine and Clara on Monday. Watching Clara's mechanical brain work putting it together, because she is amazingly good at them. Talking with Josephine, because she isn't as big of a fan of puzzles, but I love listening to her talk about "Auntie do you remember when we did this and this and this?" I love them dearly.
- Watching Sex and the City 2 after a stressful day. It was the prefect pick-me-up.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Why Does it Feel Like January in December?!?!
So my title has nothing to do with my blog entry, I just am upset about how stinkin' cold it is already! I hate when the farmers are right.... I would much prefer the upper 20's that it is supposed to be! I love winter and everything, but on Sunday it is supposed to be a high of ONE DEGREE. That is not a high. The weather should say "Sunday is supposed to be frigidly freaking cold, with a high of too-cold-to-go-outdoors-and-enjoy-playing-with-your-toddler". Sorry. I needed to rant. I'm done now.
I just wanted to do a little update, since it has been forever since I have written anything! We don't have internet at the apartment anymore (a tad costly at the moment), so I am only even online once in a great while, besides a little facebook creeping while I'm nannying, which is where I am now :)
I guess the biggest news right now is that John has joined the National Guard. I know, most of you think we are crazy. We have a 2-year-old and an almost 1-year-old, and while he is gone it IS going to be hard, and I will be lonely and missing him every second, but in the end it is very worth it. He is going to be a Machinist/Welder. They combined the 2 positions since they both include many of the same things, but that also makes his training 10 weeks longer than it should have been..... 29 weeks. Yep. 7 long months. And no, I in no way think it is going to be easy-as-pie while hes gone. I am going to have a Brooklyn that misses her Daddy very much, especially because she always asks for him on the rare occasions when she wakes up at night. I am going to have a Jacob that won't entirely remember Daddy because he is still so little, but John is going to record a video for them so that they both can get some Daddy time when they need it :) And I will be sleeping in a bed alone, not having the man I love there to have pillow-talk with at night, to hold me when the apartment is freaking me out, to kiss me and tell me everything is okay when I am stressing majorly about things that are not a big deal, or to get a hug when I feel like I am going to break a little bit. Pretty sure I am going to be writing letters//writing in here constantly.... so I apologize to the very few people that read this about the ridiculous amount of posts about how much I miss him and about random things that I need to get off my chest in the middle of the night in advance.
But for all the things that make me sad about him being gone so long for training, there is so much good that comes out of this.
Sorry again for that rant, but if I didn't, it is very probable I would scream it in their face.
Other things in life haven't changed much. John no longer works for Bridgemans. He worked for a landscaping company til about a week ago, but that work is gone because of how cold it is, so he is just looking for something dumb until he leaves in 3 months. I no longer work at Lane Bryant. I nanny 4 days a week. I love it! Addison is a doll, and Aaron is a ridiculously good baby. Brooklyn turned 2 on Nov. 18, and is starting to get some of those "terrible 2" qualities. We are working with her, and she is still my little angel :) She is learning new words all the time, and tries very hard to put sentences together. She is obsessed with coloring and playing in her new car she got from Auntie. Jacob can army crawl like a mad man. He doesn't seem to like the off-the-belly crawling very much! He loves to try to play with his sister's toys (while she is of course), but hates when she tries to play with him. He thoroughly enjoys his alone time in their room. He will play in there for a solid 30 minutes by himself, I think just enjoying that Brooke isn't pestering him! He is still a wheezer.... but his medicine is helping quite a bit. And if he doesn't have any hospital stays this winter, he can try being off it for the summer :D :D :D
Well, that is all, as Aaron is up from his nap and ready for some (not) tasty rice cereal! Happy Winter!
I just wanted to do a little update, since it has been forever since I have written anything! We don't have internet at the apartment anymore (a tad costly at the moment), so I am only even online once in a great while, besides a little facebook creeping while I'm nannying, which is where I am now :)
I guess the biggest news right now is that John has joined the National Guard. I know, most of you think we are crazy. We have a 2-year-old and an almost 1-year-old, and while he is gone it IS going to be hard, and I will be lonely and missing him every second, but in the end it is very worth it. He is going to be a Machinist/Welder. They combined the 2 positions since they both include many of the same things, but that also makes his training 10 weeks longer than it should have been..... 29 weeks. Yep. 7 long months. And no, I in no way think it is going to be easy-as-pie while hes gone. I am going to have a Brooklyn that misses her Daddy very much, especially because she always asks for him on the rare occasions when she wakes up at night. I am going to have a Jacob that won't entirely remember Daddy because he is still so little, but John is going to record a video for them so that they both can get some Daddy time when they need it :) And I will be sleeping in a bed alone, not having the man I love there to have pillow-talk with at night, to hold me when the apartment is freaking me out, to kiss me and tell me everything is okay when I am stressing majorly about things that are not a big deal, or to get a hug when I feel like I am going to break a little bit. Pretty sure I am going to be writing letters//writing in here constantly.... so I apologize to the very few people that read this about the ridiculous amount of posts about how much I miss him and about random things that I need to get off my chest in the middle of the night in advance.
But for all the things that make me sad about him being gone so long for training, there is so much good that comes out of this.
- He has been wanting to do this for a long time. I have always known it was in the plans, it was just a matter of timing.
- His training is going to be extremely useful when he gets back in finding a good job. I see so many machinist and welder positions when I am job searching randomly.
- The pay is very good. We will actually be able to save while he is gone. Hopefully for a house! But firstly to replace my piece of crap car. :)
- The benefits are awesome. Great healthcare and dental. School paid for for him. Previous school loans paid for.
- It gives us a PLAN. We have not had an actual plan for our lives since the day Brooklyn was born. I love both of my children more than I can even explain, and they have been an enormous blessing to our lives, but they kind of threw everything for a loop!
- And lastly..... seeing my man in that uniform is going to be incredibly sexy ;-)
Sorry again for that rant, but if I didn't, it is very probable I would scream it in their face.
Other things in life haven't changed much. John no longer works for Bridgemans. He worked for a landscaping company til about a week ago, but that work is gone because of how cold it is, so he is just looking for something dumb until he leaves in 3 months. I no longer work at Lane Bryant. I nanny 4 days a week. I love it! Addison is a doll, and Aaron is a ridiculously good baby. Brooklyn turned 2 on Nov. 18, and is starting to get some of those "terrible 2" qualities. We are working with her, and she is still my little angel :) She is learning new words all the time, and tries very hard to put sentences together. She is obsessed with coloring and playing in her new car she got from Auntie. Jacob can army crawl like a mad man. He doesn't seem to like the off-the-belly crawling very much! He loves to try to play with his sister's toys (while she is of course), but hates when she tries to play with him. He thoroughly enjoys his alone time in their room. He will play in there for a solid 30 minutes by himself, I think just enjoying that Brooke isn't pestering him! He is still a wheezer.... but his medicine is helping quite a bit. And if he doesn't have any hospital stays this winter, he can try being off it for the summer :D :D :D
Well, that is all, as Aaron is up from his nap and ready for some (not) tasty rice cereal! Happy Winter!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
It Is Totally Worth It
So a couple weeks ago I went to a get together at a friend's place in Uptown. There were about 15 of us, and we had an absolute blast. There were a few people I had never met, some I had seen recently, and some I hadn't seen since graduation 3 1/2 years ago. It was so great to catch up with everyone right before school was starting up again.... but of the several people I hadn't seen since high school there was ONE thing on their mind with me....
"You're married?!"
"You have TWO kids?!"
But my favorite question, and one that gave me so much pleasure was:
"Is it worth it?"
My answer: Every second of it is worth it!
I wouldn't change my life for anything. Sure, some days I am insanely exhausted and feel I could hardly move. Some days Brooke terrorizes through the apartment like it is her mission to destroy everything in sight. Some days Jake's teething is so bad that he can scream for an hour straight and not a single thing I do will calm him down. But those days are not the norm. Brooklyn is the sweetest little girl, better than I could have ever dreamed of. She is very giving with her hugs and kisses, and feels that every person in the room needs one before she leaves some place. She loves to read, play outside, color, watch Mickey Mouse, learn new words, and anything to do with water or animals. Jacob has the biggest grin in the world; when he smiles his entire body seems to light up. Every morning when I get him out of his crib I get that amazing smile, and it makes 6 a.m. entirely worth it. Every single day he learns something new: some new noise to make, a new way to move his body, how to better reach his toes to his mouth, and how to scoot his little self around on the floor more efficiently. He isn't crawling yet, but I am in no rush :)
I may not get to have my free and crazy 20's, but I don't think I would be anyways. If I drink at all, I have 1 or 2, and of something I actually enjoy. I'm not going to get a beer during happy hour just because it is $2. I am still going to get my 1 $7 fruity delicious drink that I love and enjoy it, instead of choking down some nasty thing for the sake of having alcohol. I know there are people that enjoy beer and vodka and all that jazz, I'm just not one of them. My kids will be grown by the time I am 40, and me and John plan to have the best 40's that we possibly can. We're hoping for a cruise a year, as long as we can afford it! And for now, we will do those things with our kids, and give them every bit of love that we have, and teach them to the best of our ability about how to be a good person.
P.S. Just to clarify.... we are not having any more kids. We always said we wanted 2 - a boy and a girl - and that we would be happy with that. I always wanted 1 that I could just spoil, but John having been an only child said we needed at least 2 so they could have someone to play with :)
Time to go finish the kids' room - it is looking so cute!!
Little Moments
- Jacob starting to talk more. Well, babble. It is just so darn cute the faces he makes when he is trying to make a new noise ♥
- Alone time the past 4 days. John & Brooke have been gone at the Behrens' cabin, so I have gotten some much needed alone time and relaxation while Jake naps.
- Bringing Josephine and Clara out running errands with me on Friday. I forgot how much I missed being able to get out of the apartment/neighborhood with them. We had a lot of fun, and I loved watching them go through the 59 cent bins at Michael's to find their treasure to bring home for that day!
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